Vajazzling, for the uninitiated, consists of affixing crystals to a woman’s vagina. Sound fun? Our anonymous reporter Robin Sparkles thinks so. Here, she recounts her adventures in vajazzling.

When I first heard Jennifer Love Hewitt utter the phrase “vajazzling” on Lopez Tonight, I was intrigued and full of a million questions. What did it feel like? What did it look like? How long did it last? I thought about it constantly for weeks. Then I decided to do it.

First, a little background about me. I’ve been getting bikini waxes religiously for the past several years, so the thought of going completely hairless down there was not too foreign of a concept for me. Adding some crystals into the mix wasn’t too much of a leap either. I did some quick Googling and discovered Completely Bare, a salon in New York City, that claimed to be “where the vajazzle all started!” I called and made an appointment for a bikini wax with flair (that’s what they call it there) and started mentally preparing myself for the transformation.

I started telling everyone I knew about my plans. My roommates and girlfriends were supportive and excited — almost more excited than I was. They wanted someone to test the waters and report back. Several women even asked me if they could see it after it was done. My guy friends had a completely different reaction. One told me that if a girl he was seeing surprised him with a bejeweled vag he would think she was cheating on him. Another asked me what the point of it all was. “There is actually no good reason to get this done,” I answered. Except curiosity, and because you like shiny things. It’s like covering your Blackberry with Swarovski crystals. What’s the point?

By the time my appointment came around, I was giddy but nervous. My aesthetician Alicia offered me four choices of flair: a butterfly in either white or purple crystals, a white crystal heart and a pink starburst. I picked the starburst because I liked it best and I liked the color. Alicia told me the pink would look great on my skin after the redness from the bikini wax wore off. She told me that the demand for flair had noticeably increased since Jennifer Love’s George Lopez interview.

After my Brazilian bikini wax, Alicia affixed the flair right above my vagina. It came in temporary tattoo form, which Alicia placed on me after first rinsing the area with rubbing alcohol. (This didn’t hurt although Alicia told me some women found it painful.) She used a tongue depressor to push down on the crystals (that hurt) and then I was all set. Completely Bare guarantees that the flair will stay on for five days, so I was instructed to return if any fell off during that time frame. I was also told not to scrub the area while I was in the shower or with a towel afterward, as that would make the crystals come off.

I was happy to have the guarantee, because the procedure sure was not cheap. Completely Bare sells its crystal temporary tattoos, which they get specially made for them, for $25. You can pay $33 to have them apply it without a wax, but I paid $120 for a wax and everything — all before I tipped Alicia. Despite the cost, I was ecstatic with my vajazzle. On my way home, I was very aware of the fact that I had just had crystals glued to my vagina. I felt like I had a juicy little secret, and only I could decide who to tell. It was fun.

My skin was still red from the wax, but I showed my roommates as soon as I got home anyway. They were surprised at its size — I think they thought it would be bigger and more intricate. One roommate wondered why the crystals didn’t go down along the sides of my vagina, instead of just being along the top, on the skin above the folds. I don’t think I would ever want something glued to that part of my body.

Later that night, I got a call from Jason, a guy I had been dating. He asked if I was free in a few days, but I started to worry about how he would react to my new accessory. I heard the voices of my guy friends in my head — would he think I was a slut? Eventually, I came clean and told him about it. He was curious, and we made plans for later in the week.

The next day, I realized that one of the crystals had been affixed improperly, making the design look like one crystal had already fallen off. Later that day, one did actually fall off, sometime after the shower. I thought about going back to Completely Bare, but I decided I was too busy.

Later in the week, Jason and I hung out for a few hours at his place after work. I was tired and wanted to go home but he still hadn’t tried to get me naked. It was no time for respect, I was dying to get his feedback on the vajazzle. “Do you want to see it?” I asked out of the blue. His eyes lit up, so I took off my pants and laid on the bed so he could get a better look. He stared at it for a while, and touched it to feel the raised bumps of the crystals against my skin. “It’s memorizing,” Jason said. “This is probably the longest I’ve ever stared at a vagina.” Then we had sex, and none of the crystals fell off.

Having gotten feedback from both women and men, I felt my vajazzle was well worth it. A week after it was applied, it’s still going strong. Now, my hair is starting to grow back, and I’m sure they’ll start to fall off one by one eventually. If not, I’ll have to remove them myself, something I’m sure a little rubbing alcohol can help me with. I’m actually impressed they’ve lasted this long, and I’m trying to see how long they will stay in place. The experience may have been pricey, but it was fun and different. I would definitely recommend it — especially for a special occasion like a birthday or wedding night — and I’ll definitely be doing it again myself.

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Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone – 09.05.07 (Late Show With David Letterman).

Dear Sean Penn,

You reportedly had words with ex-wife Robin Wright’s current squeeze, Hurt Locker producer Greg Shapiro, according to E! gossip Marc Malkin. Although your rep denies a controntation, Malkin cites sources as saying you had been banned from the post-Oscars Governor’s Ball.

What gives, Sean? Your talent is without doubt — we loved Milk and your directorial tour-de-force Into The Wild — but that is not enough to erase your personal history of sparking drama at inappropriate times. Clearly, you haven’t learned from your past behavior. Let’s list some, shall we?

• Filing for divorce from Robin Wright for a second time and then changing your mind.
• Reportedly hooking up with Natalie Portman as his marriage unraveled; her rep fervently denied this, but we would not put it past Sean to attempt to get with NatPort (the end-all, be-all for all men, apparently).
• Wishing critics of his humanitarian efforts in Haiti to die “screaming of rectal cancer.”
• Serving jail time for assaulting a photographer.
• Breaking up with Robin Wright and briefly dating model-arm candy Petra Nemcova.
• Forgetting to thank Robin Wright in his best-Oscar acceptance speech for Milk.
• Being otherwise awesome.

We repeat this list as a reminder to channel your flair for dramz into what you do best: acting, directing and attempting to save the world.

Take care–and talk soon!

Crushable

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